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After informally collecting interesting quotes for decades, Joe Benson has finally filtered the collection of verified nuggets of intelligence he's used on the air. Enjoy! And remember what David H. Comins said: "I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound — if I could remember any of the damn things."


It was Goodman Ace who said: "Familiarity breeds attempt."

It was Goodman Ace who said: "The best cure for hypochondria is to forget about your body and get interested in someone else's."

It was Goodman Ace who said: "Politics makes estranged bedfellows."

It was Ansel Adams who said: "There is nothing worse than a brilliant image of a fuzzy concept."

It was Douglas Adams who said: "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

It was Henry Brooks Adams who said: "No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean."

It was Henry Brooks Adams who said: "A friend in power is a friend lost."

It was Henry Brooks Adams who said: "Politics, as a practice, has always been the systematic organizations of hatreds." Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.

It was Goodman Ace who said: "I keep reading between the lies."

It was Goodman Ace who said: "The best cure for hypochondria is to forget about your body and get interested in someone else's."

It was Dean Acheson who said: "A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer."

It was Ansel Adams who said: "There can be craft without art, but there can be no art without craft."

It was Herbert Agar who said: "The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear."

It was Muhammad Ali who said: "It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

It was David Allen who said: "You can do anything, but not everything."

It was Fred Allen who said: "A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized."

It was Steve Allen who said: "Tragedy plus time equals comedy."

It was Woody Allen who said: "Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem."

It was Woody Allen who said: "Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."

It was Woody Allen who said: "You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."

It was Woody Allen who said: "Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem."

It was Woody Allen who said: "80% of success is showing up."

It was Muhammad Ali who said: "Don't count the days, make the days count."

It was Muhammad Ali who said: "The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life."

It was Muhammad Ali who said: "Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth."

It was Muhammad Ali who said: "It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up."

It was Muhammad Ali who said: "It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe."

It was Mary S. Almanac who said: "Who we are never changes. Who we think we are does."

It was Ian Anderson who said: "It was a new day yesterday, but it's an old day now."

It was Mario Andretti who said, "Circumstances may cause interruptions and delays, but never lose sight of your goal."

It was Mario Andretti who said: "If everything seems under control, you're not going fast enough."

It was Maya Angelou who said: "Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space in between the notes and curl my back to loneliness."

It was Maya Angelou who said: "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

It was Maya Angelou who said: "Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud."

It was Maya Angelou who said: "Nothing will work unless you do."

It was Maya Angelou who said: "All great achievements require time."

It was Maya Angelou who said: "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you."

It was Paul Anka who said: "The thing is to be able to outlast the trends."

It was Robert Anthony who said: "When you blame others, you give up your power to change."

It was Robert Anthony who said: "The one who loves the least, controls the relationship."

It was Robert Anthony who said: "Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle."

It was Robert Anthony who said: "Live as though it were your last day on earth. Some day you will be right."

It was Robert Anthony who said: "If you are not leaning, no one will ever let you down."

It was Robert Anthony who said: "We fear the thing we want the most."

It was Robert Anthony who said: "Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway."

It was Robert Anthony who said: "If you let other people do it for you, they will do it to you."

It was Robert Anthony who said: "Moving fast is not the same as going somewhere."

It was Lance Armstrong who said: "I thought I knew what fear was, until I heard the words 'You have cancer'."

It was Lance Armstrong who said: "You can teach someone how to control their strength, but you can't teach them to be strong."

It was Lance Armstrong who said: "We have unrealized capacities that sometimes only emerge in crisis."

It was Lance Armstrong who said: "Winning is about heart, not just legs. It's got to be in the right place."

It was Lance Armstrong who said: "For most of my life I had operated under a simple schematic of winning and losing, but cancer was teaching me a tolerance for ambiguities."

It was Aristotle who said: "Education is the best provision for old age."

It was Aristotle who said: "Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies."

It was Arthur Baer who said: "It was as helpful as throwing a drowning man both ends of the rope."

It was Arthur Baer who said: "His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours."

It was Arthur Baer who said: "If you do big things they print your face, and if you do little things they print only your thumbs."

It was Arthur Baer who said: "Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse."

It was John James Audubon who said: "A true conservationist is a man who knows that the world is not given by his fathers, but borrowed from his children."

It was James Baldwin who said: "Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it's faced."

It was Lucille Ball who said: "I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done."

It was J.P. Barlow who said: "One may as well be optimistic. The road to catastrophe will be rougher if it's paved with dread."

It was Dave Barry who said: "On Valentine's Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays: fear."

It was Dave Barry who said: "You should not confuse your career with your life."

It was Dave Barry who said: "The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers."

It was Dave Barry who said: "People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them."

It was Dave Barry who said: "The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning 'ability to,' and bics, meaning 'withstand tremendous boredom.'"

It was Dave Barry who said: "You can only be young once. But you can always be immature."

It was Dave Barry who said: "There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'"

It was Dave Barry who said: "Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic."

It was Dave Barry who said: "If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'"

It was John Barrymore who said: "You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony."

It was Bernard Baruch who said: "We did not all come over on the same ship, but we are all in the same boat."

It was Robert Benchley who said: "Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment."

It was Robert Benchley who said: "In America there are two classes of travel: first class, and with children."

It was W.G. Benham who said: "When you see a snake, never mind where he came from."

It was comedic genius Jack Benny who said: "I really don't deserve this award. But I have arthritis, and I don't deserve that either."

It was Joe Benson who said: "The oft-lauded extra leisure time of underemployment is vastly overrated."

It was Sally Berger who said: "The secret of getting ahead is getting started."

It was Ingrid Bergman who said: "Happiness is good health and a bad memory."

It was Yogi Berra who said: "It's like deja-vu, all over again."

It was Yogi Berra who said: "Half the lies they tell about me aren't true."

It was Yogi Berra who said: "The future ain't what it used to be."

It was Yogi Berra who said: "If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else."

It was Yogi Berra who said: "It ain't the heat, it's the humility."

It was Yogi Berra who said: "A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."

It was Yogi Berra who said: "I didn't really say everything I said."

It was Yogi Berra who said: "You can observe a lot by just watching."

Though usually credited to Yogi Berra, it was Clarence Day who first said: "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

It was Yogi Berra who said: "I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary."

It was Yogi Berra who said: "Nobody goes there anymore. It's too crowded."

It was Yogi Berra who said: "If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's gonna stop them."

It was author Ambrose Bierce who said: "The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling."

It was Josh Billings who said: "One of the greatest victories you can gain over someone is to beat him at politeness."

It was Josh Billings who said: "There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together."

It was Josh Billings who said: "As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand."

It was William Blake who said: "A truth that's told with bad intent beats all the lies you can invent."

It was Blazeman Birmingham who said: "Opening a browser window and forgetting what site you wanted to visit is the new walking into a room and forgetting what you came for."

It was Mary Bly who said: "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."

It was Derek Bok who said: "If you think education is expensive, try ignorance."

It was Derek Bok who said: "There is far too much law for those who can afford it and far too little for those who cannot."

It was Erma Bombeck who said: "Never lend your car to anyone to whom you've given birth."

It was Erma Bombeck who said: "The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one."

It was Napoleon Bonaparte who said: "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."

It was Napoleon Bonaparte who said: "Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence."

It was Napoleon Bonaparte who said: "Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."

It was Napoleon Bonaparte who said: "He who knows how to flatter also knows how to slander."

It was Napoleon Bonaparte who said: "If you want a thing done well, do it yourself."

It was Napoleon Bonaparte who said: "A leader is a dealer in hope."

It was Napoleon Bonaparte who said: "The only victories which leave no regret are those which are gained over ignorance."

It was Napoleon Bonaparte who said: "Men are Moved by two levers only: fear and self interest."

It was Napoleon Bonaparte who said: "Ten people who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.

It was Victor Borge who said: "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."

It was Dion Boucicault who said: "Men talk of killing time while time quietly kills them."

It was James Bovard who said: "Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner."

It was David Bowie who said: "Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been."

It was Louis Brandeis who said: "Behind every argument is someone's ignorance."

It was Richard Branson who said: "Be authentic and organic. It can't be forced or it won't work. And most importantly, have fun."

It was Jacob Braude who said: "There's no fool like an old fool — you can't beat experience."

It was Robert Brault who said: "The trouble with 'A place for everything and everything in its place' is that there's always more everything than places."

It was Robert Brault who said: "Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got."

It was Rita Mae Brown who said: "The reward for conformity is that everyone likes you except yourself."

It was poet Sam Brown who said: "Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance."

It was Art Buchwald who said: "I worship the quicksand he walks in."

It was Art Buchwald who said: "Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got."

It was Art Buchwald who said: "I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team."

It was Buddha who said: "In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you."

It was Buddha who said: "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

It was Edmund Burke who said: "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."

It was George Burns who said: "If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age."

It was George Burns who said: "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

It was Frank Caliendo who said: "The secret to a long relationship is being afraid to say, 'I want out.'"

It was George Carlin who said: "'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?"

It was George Carlin who asked: "If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?"

It was George Carlin who asked: "If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted and musicians denoted?"

It was George Carlin who said: "Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."

It was George Carlin who said: "To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope. That's fast."

Paraphrasing Friedrich Nietzche, it was George Carlin who said: "Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear."

It was Dale Carnegie who said: "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

It was Dale Carnegie who said: "People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing."

It was poet Jim Carroll who said: "I'm just a constant warning to take the other direction."

It was Lewis Carroll who said: "If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there."

It was Johnny Carson who said: "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

It was Johnny Cash who said: "You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space."

It was Johnny Cash who said: "Success is having to worry about every damn thing in the world... except money."

It was Johnny Cash who said: "It's good to know who hates you, and it's good to be hated by the right people."

It was Johnny Cash who said: "If you aren't saying exactly how and what you feel, you might as well not say anything at all."

It was Charlie Chaplin who said: "We think too much and feel too little."

It was Charlie Chaplin who said: "A day without laughter is a day wasted."

It was Charlie Chaplin who said: "Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long shot. To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it!"

It was Charlie Chaplin who said: "One of the beautiful things about stupid people is, they can't keep it to themselves."

It was Julia Child who said: "I enjoy cooking with wine; sometimes I even put it in the food."

It was G. K. Chesterton who said: "Impartiality is a pompous name for indifference, which is an elegant name for ignorance."

It was G. K. Chesterton who said: "The reformer is always right about what is wrong. He is generally wrong about what is right."

It was G. K. Chesterton who said: "It's always the secure who are humble."

It was G. K. Chesterton who said: "It is terrible to contemplate how few politicians are hanged."

It was G. K. Chesterton who said: "Thieves respect property. They merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it."

It was G. K. Chesterton who said: "I have formed a very clear conception of patriotism. I have generally found it thrust into the foreground by some fellow who has something to hide in the background. I have seen a great deal of patriotism; and I have generally found it the last refuge of the scoundrel."

It was G. K. Chesterton who said: "There are some desires that are not desirable."

It was G. K. Chesterton who said: "The past is not what it was."

It was G. K. Chesterton who said: "A good man's work is effected by doing what he does, a woman's by being what she is."

It was G.K. Chesterton who observed: "Where do you hide a leaf? In a forest."

It was Winston Churchill who said: "However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results."

It was Winston Churchill who said: "A man is about as big as the things that make him angry."

It was Winston Churchill who said: "A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

It was Winston Churchill who said: "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."

It was Winston Churchill who said: "We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give."

It was Winston Churchill who said: "If you're going through Hell, keep going."

It was Winston Churchill who said: "Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen."

It was Winston Churchill who said: "The chief aim of wisdom is to enable one to bear with the stupidity of the ignorant."

It was Winston Churchill who said: "I am always ready to learn, but I do not always like being taught."

It was Winston Churchill who said: "The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you can see."

It was Winston Churchill who said: "Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm."

It was Winston Churchill who said: "Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip."

It was Winston Churchill who said: "He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

It was Winston Churchill who said: "Sometimes it is not enough to do our best; we must do what is required."

It was Winston Churchill who said: "Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it."

It was Winston Churchill who said: "Don't interrupt me while I'm interrupting."

It was Winston Churchill who said: "The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes."

It was Winston Churchill who said: "When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber."

It was Marcus Tullius Cicero who said in 55 BC: "The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance." Same as it ever was.

It was Louis C.K. who said: "When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't."

It was Karen Kaiser Clark who said: "Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely."

It was David H. Comins who said: "People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first."

It was David H. Comins who said: "I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound — if I could remember any of the damn things."

It was Confucius who said: "Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance."

It was Billy Connolly who said: "Marriage is a wonderful invention, but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."

It was Joseph Conrad who said: "Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men."

It was Calvin Coolidge who said: "No man ever listened himself out of a job."

It was Stephen Covey who said: "If we keep doing what we're doing, we're going to keep getting what we're getting."

It was Noel Coward who said: "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."

It was Walter Cronkite who said: "There's no such thing as a little freedom. Either you are all free or you are not free."

It was Mark Cuban who said: "Work like there is someone working 24 hours a day to take it away from you."

It was e. e. cummings who said: "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

Though Stubby Currence's use is the oldest for this quip, Mark Twain is usually credited for saying "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

It was Clarence Darrow who said: "History repeats itself. That's one of the things wrong with history."

It was Ram Dass who said: "The quieter you become, the more you can hear."

It was Michael Deacon who said: "A well-crafted insult should be admired — it takes far more skill than any compliment."

It was French President Charles de Gaulle who said: "The graveyards are full of indispensable men."

It was Leonardo da Vinci who said: "Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication."

It was Leonardo Da Vinci who said: "It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things."

It was Leonardo Da Vinci who said: "There are three classes of people: those who see, those who see when they are shown, those who do not see."

It was Leonardo Da Vinci who said: "The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions."

It was Leonardo Da Vinci who said: "The deeper the feeling, the greater the pain."

It was Jimmy Dean who said: "You gotta try your luck at least once a day, because you could be going around lucky all day and not even know it."

It was W. Edwards Deming who said: "It is not necessary to change. Survival is not mandatory."

It was W. Edwards Deming who said: "If you can't describe what you are doing as a process, you don't know what you're doing."

It was W. Edwards Deming who said: "It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and then do your best."

It was Eustache Deschamps who said: "Friends are relatives you make for yourself."

It was Phillip K. Dick who said: "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."

It was Lillian Dickson who said: "Life is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can spend it only once."

It was Marlene Dietrich who said: "It's the friends you can call up at 4am that matter."

It was Phyllis Diller who said: "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

It was Walt Disney who said: "I would rather entertain and hope that people learned something than educate people and hope they were entertained."

It was Walt Disney who said: "The way to get started is to quit talking and start doing."

It was Walt Disney who said: "It's kind of fun to do the impossible."

It was Benjamin Disraeli who said: "Little things affext little minds."

It was Benjamin Disraeli who said: "Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth."

It was John Donne who said (in 1624): "No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less... Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

It was Sir Arthur Conan Doyle who said: "Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius."

It was Peter F. Drucker who said: "The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said."

It was Peter F. Drucker who said: "Much of what we call management consists in making it difficult for people to work."

It was Peter F. Drucker who said: "Efficiency is doing things right; effectiveness is doing the right things."

It was Alexandre Dumas' son who first said: "The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits."

It was Bob Dylan who said: "He not busy being born is busy dying."

It was Bob Dylan who said: "All the money you make will never buy back your soul."

It was Bob Dylan who said: "Sometimes my burden is more than I can bear. It's not dark yet, but it's getting there."

It was J.W. Eagan who said: "Never judge a book by its movie."

It was Wyatt Earp who said: "Fast is fine, but accuracy is everything."

It was Thomas A. Edison who said: "Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits."

It was Thomas A. Edison who said: "Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."

It was Thomas A. Edison who said: "Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."

It was Thomas A. Edison who said: "Good fortune is what happens when opportunity meets with planning."

It was Dwight D. Eisenhower who said: "Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil, and you're a thousand miles from the corn field."

It was Dwight D. Eisenhower who said: "Leadership: The art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it."

It was Dwight D. Eisenhower who said: "Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, and those who are cold and are not clothed."

It was Albert Einstein who said: "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."

It was Albert Einstein who said: "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

It was Albert Einstein who said: "If A is a success in life, then A equals X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z is keeping your mouth shut."

It was Albert Einstein who said: "The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."

It was Albert Einstein who said: "Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal."

It was Albert Einstein who said: "The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources."

It was Albert Einstein who said: "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18."

It was Albert Einstein who said: "The only real valuable thing is intuition."

It was Albert Einstein who said: "Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions."

It was Albert Einstein who said: "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity."

It was Albert Einstein who said: "Everything should be made as simple as it can be, but not simpler."

It was Albert Einstein who said: "Truth is what stands the test of experience."

It was Albert Einstein who said: "Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value."

It was Albert Einstein who said: "Imagination is more important than knowledge."

It was Albert Einstein who said: "Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds."

Though used for at least a hundred years earlier, Albert Einstein is most often credited with saying: "Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school."

It was Albert Einstein who said: "Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth."

It was George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans) who said: "Blessed is the person who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact."

It was T. S. Eliot who said: "Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers."

It was T. S. Eliot who said: "It's not wise to violate rules until you know how to observe them."

It was T. S. Eliot who said: "If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?"

It was T. S. Eliot who said: "Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."

It was Duke Ellington who said: "A problem is a chance for you to do your best."

It was Duke Ellington who said: "There's only two kinds of music, good music and the other kind."

It was Duke Ellington who said: "There is no art without intention."

It was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said: "Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine."

It was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said: "Be and not seem."

It was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said: "For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness."

It was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said: "You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late."

It was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said: "Shallow men believe in luck and circumstances. Strong men believe in cause and effect."

It was Ralph Waldo Emerson who said: "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."

It was the ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus who said: "We should look for someone to eat and drink with before we look for something to eat and drink."

It was ancient Greek playwright Euripidies who said: "Waste not fresh tears over old griefs."

It was Donald Fagen who said: "The devices of art — the chord progressions, the melodic patterns, etc. — might be characteristic of their time, but good music is timeless."

It was Farah Fawcett who said: "The reason that the all-American boy prefers beauty to brains is that he can see better than he can think."

It was William Feather who said: "Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go."

It was William Feather who said: "A budget tells what we can't afford, but it doesn't keep us from buying it."

It was William Feather who said: "Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."

It was William Feather who said: "If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like."

It was William Feather who said: "Beware of people who can't be bothered by details."

It was William Feather who said: "Some of us might find happiness if we quit struggling so desperately to find it."

It was William Feather who said: "Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age."

It was Raymond E. Feist who said: "Every person you encounter, whom you interact with, is there to teach you something. Sometimes it may be years before you realize what each had to show you."

It was Frederico Fellini who said: "Life is a combination of magic and pasta."

It was Enzo Ferrari who said: "I build engines and attach wheels to them."

It was W. C. Fields who said: "I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."

It was W.C. Fields who said: "Start off every day with a smile and get it over with."

It was W.C. Fields who said: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it."

It was Ella Fitzgerald who said: "It isn't where you came from; it's where you're going that counts."

It was Rachel Flotard who said: "You have your standard work life that pays your rent; then you have your other work life that pays your heart."

It was John Fogerty who said: "Sometimes I think life is just a rodeo, the trick is to ride and make it to the bell."

It was Malcolm Forbes who said: "When in doubt, duck."

It was Malcolm Forbes who said: "Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are."

It was Henry Ford who said: "Quality means doing it right when no one is looking."

It was Henry Ford who said: "A bore is a person who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it."

It was Henry Ford who said: "Before everything else, getting ready is the secret of success."

It was Henry Ford who said: "Whether you think you can or think you can't — you're right."

It was Henry Ford who said: "Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again more intelligently."

It was Henry Ford who said: "A man who stops advertising to save money is like a man who stops a clock to save time."

It was Henry Ford who said: "Don't find fault, find a remedy; anybody can complain."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Well done is better than well said."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Little strokes fell great oaks."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "A learned blockhead is a greater blockhead than an ignorant one."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Lost time is never found again."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Wise men don't need advice. Fools won't take it."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Most fools think that they are only ignorant."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Well done is better than well said."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "An investment in knowledge pays the best interest."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "You may delay, but time will not."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "All would live long, but none would be old."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Lost time is never found again."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable and those that move."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "He that is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "By failing to prepare you are preparing to fail."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Beware the hobby that eats."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Many a man thinks he is buying pleasure, when he is really selling himself to it."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Some people die at 25 and aren't buried until 75."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "When in doubt, don't."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Those who would sacrifice liberty for security deserve neither."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Life's tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "When you're finished changing, you're finished."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "At 20 years of age the will reigns; at 30, the wit; and at 40, the judgment."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: "Energy and persistence conquer all things."

It was Benjamin Franklin who said: ""Be at war with your vices, at peace with you neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man."

It was Sigmund Freud who said: "One is very crazy when in love."

It was Sigmund Freud who said: "We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love."

It was Sigmund Freud who said: "I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father's protection."

It was David Frost who said: "Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home."

It was Robert Frost who said: "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on."

It was Robert Frost who said: "Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it."

It was Robert Frost who said: "I'm not confused, I'm just well-mixed."

It was Robert Frost who said: "Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence."

It was Robert Frost who said: "A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age."

It was John Fugelsang who said: "I view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy, but some of the fan clubs terrify me."

It was Thomas Fuller who said: "A stumble may prevent a fall."

It was Thomas Fuller who said: "A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell."

It was Thomas Fuller who said: "We never know the worth of water till well is dry."

It was Thomas Fuller who said: "If it were not for hopes, the heart would break."

It was Thomas Fuller who said: "All things are difficult before they are easy."

It was Thomas Fuller who said: "Good clothes open all doors."

It was Thomas Fuller who said: "Get the facts, or the facts will get you."

It was Thomas Fuller who said: "It is said that the darkest hour is just before the dawn."

It was Mahatma Gandhi who said: "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."

It was Mahatma Gandhi who said: "There is more to life than increasing its speed."

It was Mahatma Gandhi who said: "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."

It was Mahatma Gandhi who said: "Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes."

It was Mahatma Gandhi who said: "Live simply so that others can simply live."

It was Mahatma Gandhi who said: "The future depends on what you do today."

It was Mahatma Gandhi who said: "Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."

It was baseball legend Joe Garagiola who said: "Oh well, half of one, six dozen of the other."

It was Judy Garland who said: "Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."

It was Bill Gates who said: "Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one."

It was Bill Gates who said: "Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose."

It was Bill Gates who said: "Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get Summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself."

It was Paul Gauguin who said: "There is always a heavy demand for fresh mediocrity. In every generation the least cultivated taste has the largest appetite."

It was Jean Giraudoux who said: "Only the mediocre are always at their best."

It was Bhagavad Gita who said: "Man has control of action alone, never the fruits of the action."

It was Ellen Glasgow who said: "All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward."

It was Seth Godin who said: "Knowing what to do is very, very different than actually doing it."

It was Samuel Goldwyn who said: "Ninety percent of the art of living consists of getting on with people one cannot stand."

It was Baltasar Gracián who said: "Do not be a slave of first impressions."

It was Baltasar Gracián who said: "Always act as if others were watching."

It was Linda Grayson who said: "There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate."

It was Horace Greeley who said: "Fame is vapor, popularity an accident, riches take wing. Only one thing endures and that is character."

It was Sidney Greenberg who said: "A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him."

It was Dave Grohl who said: "That's one of the great things about music. You can sing a song to 85000 people and they'll sing it back for 85000 different reasons."

It was Siddhartha Guatama who said: "There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth. Not going all the way, and not starting."

It was Tim Gunn who said: "It's easy to get along with people you like. Getting along with people you loathe shows real character."

It was Buddy Guy who said: "The Blues are about the highs and the lows. And if you ain't had no lows, just keep living."

It was skating superstar/cancer survivor Scott Hamilton who said: "The only disability in life is a bad attitude."

It was Jack Handey who said: "I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'"

It was David Hannum, not his competitor P.T. Barnum, who said: "There's a sucker born every minute."

It was Thomas Hard who said: "And yet to every bad there's a worse."

It was Mickey Hart of The Grateful Dead who said: "There is a place where music, dreams and magic come together."

It was Paul Harvey who said: "If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then nine times out of ten it will."

It was Anne Hathaway who said: "A man once told me that for a woman, I was very opinionated. I said, 'for a man you're kind of ignorant'."

It was Ernest Hemingway who said: "Auto racing, bull fighting and mountain climbing are the only real sports — all others are games."

It was Ernest Hemingway who said: "Write drunk. Edit sober."

It was Ernest Hemingway who said: "Never mistake motion for action."

It was Audrey Hepburn who said: "The best thing to hold on to in life is each other."

It was Audrey Hepburn who said: "I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person."

It was Katharine Hepburn who said: "If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun."

It was Katharine Hepburn who said: "I don't care what is written about me so long as it's not true."

It was Katharine Hepburn who said: "If you always do what interests you, at least one person is pleased."

It was Charlton Heston who said: "Political correctness is just tyranny with manners."

It was Granville Hicks who said: "A censor is a man who knows more than he thinks you ought to."

It was Alfred Hitchcock who said: "The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."

It was Eric Hoffer who said: "Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength."

It was Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. who said: "A man's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions."

It was Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. who said: "Controversy equalizes fools and wise men — and the fools know it."

It was Bob Hope who said: "If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf."

It was Bob Hope who said: "I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there."

It was Edgar Watson Howe who said: "A good scare is worth more to a man than good advice."

It was Elbert Hubbard who said: "A committee is a thing that takes a week to do what a good man can do in an hour."

It was Elbert Hubbard who said: "A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you."

It was Elbert Hubbard who said: "Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit."

It was Elbert Hubbard who said: "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

It was Elbert Hubbard who said: "Life is just one damned thing after another."

It was Kin Hubbard who said: "There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?"

It was Kin Hubbard who said: "Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet."

It was Kin Hubbard who said: "Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest."

It was Kin Hubbard who said: "There is plenty of peace in any home where the family doesn't make the mistake of trying to get together."

It was Kin Hubbard who said: "Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny."

It was Kin Hubbard who said: "Very often the quiet fellow has said all he knows."

It was Kin Hubbard who said: "When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money."

It was Kin Hubbard who said: "Flattery won't hurt you if you don't swallow it."

It was Kin Hubbard who said: "Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature."

It was Victor Hugo who said: "There is nothing like a dream to create the future."

It was Cordell Hull who said: "Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river."

It was John Huston who, when asked what his key to long life was, said: "Surgery."

It was Aldous Huxley who said: "Experience teaches only the teachable."

It was Marty Indik who said: "Half of analysis is anal."

It was Marty Indik who said: "Confusion is always the most honest response."

It was Lee Iacocca who said: "We are continually faced with great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."

It was Henry James who said: "Summer afternoon, summer afternoon... the two most beautiful words in the English language."

It was William James who said: "The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook."

It was Thomas Jefferson who said: "He who knows best knows how little he knows."

It was Thomas Jefferson who said: "The most valuable of talents is that of never using two words when one will do."

It was Thomas Jefferson who said: "A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have."

It was Steve Jobs who said: "A lot of times, people don't know what they want until you show it to them."

It was Steve Jobs who said: "Being the richest man in the cemetery doesn't matter. Going to bed saying we've done something wonderful... that's what matters."

It was Steve Jobs who said: "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life."

It was Steve Jobs who said: "Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice."

It was Steve Jobs who said: "Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

It was Steve Jobs who said: "Design is not just what it looks like and feels like. Design is how it works."

It was Lyndon B. Johnson who said: "I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it."

It was Lyndon Johnson who said: "We can draw lessons from the past, but we cannot live in it."

It was Samuel Johnson who said: "Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless. Knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful."

It was Ricky Lee Jones who said: "You never know when you're making a memory."

It was Erica Jong who said: "Advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer, but wish you didn't."

It was David Starr Jordan who said: "Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it."

It was Michael Jordan who said: "I can accept failure, everyone fails at something. But I can't accept not trying."

It was Carl Jung who said: "Our most important problems cannot be solved, they must be outgrown."

It was Frida Kahlo who said: "Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are magic."

It was Diane Kavelaras who said: "Good design should solve problems, not just decorate."

It was Danny Kaye who said: "Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can."

It was Steve Kaye who said: "Long pointless meetings are useful in that they keep incompetent people from interfering with those who are working."

It was Bil Keane who said: "A hug is like a boomerang — you get it back right away."

It was Diane Keaton who said: "A sense of freedom is something that, happily, comes with age and life experience."

It was Garrison Keillor who said: "Everyone can't be over average."

It was Garrison Keillor who said: "Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose."

It was John F. Kennedy who said: "Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future."

It was John F. Kennedy who said: "Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names."

It was John F. Kennedy who said: "A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on."

It was Robert F. Kennedy who said: "About one-fifth of the people are against everything all the time."

It was Jean Kerr who said: "I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want — an adorable pancreas?"

It was Hank Ketcham who said: "Flattery is like chewing gum. Enjoy it, but don't swallow it."

It was Jimmy Kimmel who said: "Experts say the decrease in crime could be due to the aging of the population, increased incarceration, and many criminals finding jobs in the banking industry and on Wall Street."

It was Bruce Lee who said: "Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one."

It was Martin Luther King, Jr. who said: "A right delayed is a right denied."

It was Martin Luther King, Jr. who said: "He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it."

It was Martin Luther King, Jr. who said: "Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."

It was Martin Luther King, Jr. who said: "It's the quality, not the longevity, of one's life is what is important."

It was Martin Luther King, Jr. who said: "We must learn to live together as brothers or perish together as fools."

It was Martin Luther King, Jr. who said: "Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal."

It was Martin Luther King, Jr. who said: "A man can't ride your back unless it's bent."

It was Martin Luther King, Jr. who said: "The quality, not the longevity, of one's life is what is important."

It was Martin Luther King, Jr. who said: "In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

It was Martin Luther King, Jr. who said: "Never succumb to the temptation of bitterness."

It was Martin Luther King, Jr. who said: "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."

It was Martin Luther King, Jr. who said: "Never forget that everything Hitler did in Germany was legal."

It was Martin Luther King, Jr. who said: "Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness."

It was Martin Luther King, Jr. who said: "We may have all come on different ships, but we're in the same boat now."

It was Martin Luther King Jr. who said: "Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."

It was Coach Bobby Knight who said: "The key is not the will to win; everyone has that. It is the will to prepare to win that is important."

It was Joseph Wood Krutch who said: "Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function."

It was Sandy Koufax who said: "Pitching is the art of instilling fear."

It was the Dalai Lama who said: "Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them"

It was the Dalai Lama who said: "When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new."

It was Ann Landers who said: "Assume nothing. Inside every dumb blond there may be a very smart brunette."

It was Ann Landers who said: "At every party, there are two kinds of people — those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, usually they are married to each other."

It was Edward Langley who said: "What this country needs are more unemployed politicians."

It was Doug Larson who said: "If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur."

It was D.H. Lawrence who said: "She was always waiting, it seemed to be her forte."

It was D.H. Lawrence who said: "Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot."

It was D.H. Lawrence who said: "Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot."

It was Fran Lebowitz who said: "Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep."

It was Joseph LeDoux who said: "People don't come preassembled, but are glued together by life."

It was Gypsy Rose Lee who said: "She's descended from a long line her mother listened to."

Even though Allen Saunders said it first, John Lennon is credited with saying (in his song "Beautiful Boy"): "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans."

It was John Lennon who said: "There's a great woman behind every idiot."

It was Jay Leno who asked: "How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?"

It was Jay Leno who said: "Politics is just show business for ugly people."

It was Jay Leno who said: "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak."

It was Jay Leno who said: "Race-car driving is a little like sex. All men think they're good at it... and when you are out there by yourself, you actually are good at it — until somebody else comes on the track."

It was Barry LePatner who said: "Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment."

It was David Letterman who said: "The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong."

It was Sam Levenson who said: "Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children."

It was Sam Levenson who said: "Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it."

It was Sam Levenson who said: "If you want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother."

It was Sam Levenson who said: "I'm going to stop putting things off, starting tomorrow!"

It was Sam Levenson who said: "You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself."

It was Sam Levenson who said: "Don't watch the clock; do as it does. Keep going."

It was Sam Levenson (often credited to Audrey Hepburn) who said: "As you grow older, you will find that you have two hands: The first is for helping yourself, the second for helping others."

It was Wendy Liebman who said: "I've been thinking about what to get people for the holidays because it's the thought that counts."

It was Abraham Lincoln who said: "Most anyone can stand adversity, but to test a person's character, give them power."

It was Abraham Lincoln who said: "I like to see a man proud of a place in which he lives, and I like to see a man live so that his place will be proud of him."

It was Abraham Lincoln who said: "And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."

It was Abraham Lincoln who said: "These capitalists generally act harmoniously and in concert, to fleece the people."

Though there's no proof he actually said this, Abraham Lincoln is credited with saying: "People are just about as happy as they are willing to be."

It was Abraham Lincoln who said: "The best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time."

It was Abraham Lincoln who said: "If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe."

It was Abraham Lincoln who said: "You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today."

It was Abraham Lincoln who said: "Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves."

It was Coach Vince Lombardi who said: "It's not whether you get knocked down, it's whether you get up."

It was Coach Vince Lombardi who said: "There's no such thing as perfection. But, in striving for perfection, we can achieve excellence."

It was Coach Vince Lombardi who said: "If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm."

It was Coach Vince Lombardi who said: "The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will."

It was Henry Wadsworth Longfellow who said: "It takes less time to do a thing right than explain why you did it wrong."

It was John Lubbock who said: "What we see depends mainly on what we look for."

It was John Lubbock who said: "A day of worry is more exhasting than a week of work."

It was John Lubbock who said: "However vexed you may be overnight, things will look very different in the morning."

It was John Lubbock who said: "Many a blessing has been recognized too late."

It was Clare Boothe Luce (not Leonardo da Vinci) who said: "The height of sophistication is simplicity."

It was Clare Boothe Luce who said: "Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable."

It was Hal Lee Luyah (was that really his name?) who said: "There's a deception to every rule."

It was Hal Lee Luyah (was that really his name?) who said: "A penny saved is a congressional oversight."

It was the famed mime Marcel Marceau who said: "It's good to shut up sometimes."

It was Bob Marley who said: "One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain."

It was Martin Mull, not Steve Martin, who first said: "Talking about music is like dancing about architecture."

It was Wynton Marsalis who said: "Experiencing great things can motivate us to be great ourselves."

It was Groucho Marx who said: "I have nothing but respect for you — and not much of that."

It was Groucho Marx who said: "The secret to life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

It was Groucho Marx who said: "Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."

It was Dave Matthews who said: "It's always easier to leave than to be left."

It was Donald H. McGannon who said: "Leadership is action, not position."

It was Bruce McLaren who said: "I feel that life is measured in achievement, not in years alone."

It was Shirley MacLaine who said: "It's useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk or running for office."

It was Shirley MacLaine who said: "Sex is hardly ever just about sex."

It was Marilyn Manson who said: "Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?"

It was Bob Marley who said: "One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain."

It was Gabriel Garcia Marquez who said: "A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father."

It was Demetri Martin who said: "Don't be so quick to judge others. Take your time and really get into it."

It was Abraham Maslow who said: "He that is good with a hammer tends to think everything is a nail."

It was Arthur McAuliff who said: "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."

It was H.L. Mencken who said: "For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple and wrong."

It was H. L. Mencken who said: "A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know."

It was H. L. Mencken who said: "A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know."

It was A.A. Milne who asked: "Did you ever stop to think and forget to start again?"

It was Charles Mingus who said: "Anyone can make the simple complicated. Creativity is making the complicated simply."

It was Edna "E" Mode who said: "I never look back, darling. It distracts from the now."

It was jazz great Thelonius Monk who said: "Sometimes it's to your advantage for people to think you're crazy."

It was Dudley Moore who said: "The best car safety device is a rearview mirror with a cop in it."

It was Sterling Moss who said: "Motion is tranquility."

It was Sterling Moss who said: "To achieve anything, you must be prepared to dabble on the boundary of disaster."

It was Daniel Patrick Moynihan who said: "You are entitled to your opinion. But you are not entitled to your own facts."

It was Martin Mull who said: "The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass."

It was Martin Mull, not Steve Martin, who first said: "Talking about music is like dancing about architecture."

It was Bill Murray who said: "I'm having some vision trouble today. I can't see myself doing anything."

It was Vladimir Nabokov who said: "Curiosity is insubordination in its purest form."

It was Ogden Nash who said:
"To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong admit it;
Whenever you're right shut up."

It was Ogden Nash who said: "Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else."

It was Pablo Neruda who said: "Laughter is the language of the soul."

It was Pablo Neruda who said:
"I want to do to you what spring does with the cherry trees. You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep spring from coming. Love is so short, forgetting is so long."

It was Lady Dorothy Neville who said: "The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."

It was Jack Nicholson who said: "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

It was Friedrich Nietzsche who said: "What does not destroy me makes me stronger."

It was Leonard Nimoy who said: "A life is like a garden. Perfect moments can be had, but not preserved, except in memory. Live Long And Prosper."

It was Samantha Norman who said: "Best friends listen to what you don't say."

It was Barack Obama who said: "Any fool can have a child. That doesn't make you a father. It's the courage to raise a child that makes you a father."

It was Kerry O'Quinn who said: "The content of your mind — your values and ideas — are nobody's business but your own."

It was Robert Orben who said: "For a real quick energy boost, nothing beats having the boss walk in."

It was P. J. O'Rourke who said: "Some people are better imagined in one's bed than found there in the morning."

It was Fulton Oursler who said: "Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves — regret for the past and fear of the future."

It was Satchel Paige who said: "Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you."

It was Satchel Paige who said: "Don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines."

It was Satchel Paige who said: "Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

It was Satchel Paige who said: "Ain't no man can avoid being born average, but there ain't no man got to be common."

It was Satchel Paige who said: "Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching."

It was Satchel Paige who said: "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"

It was Dorothy Parker who said: "Brevity is the soul of lingerie."

We give credit to Dorothy Parker for saying: "I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy."

It was Dorothy Parker who said: "If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."

It was Dorothy Parker who said: "The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity."

It was Dolly Parton who said: "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."

It was Dolly Parton who said: "You'd be surprised at how much it costs to look this cheap."

It was Blaise Pascal who said: "The sole cause of man's unhappiness is that he does not know how to stay quietly in his room."

It was General George S. Patton who said: "The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in battle."

It was Gen. George S. Patton who said: "If everybody is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking."

It was Linus Pauling who said: "The best way to have a good idea is to have lots of ideas."

It was Norman Vincent Peale who said: "Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads and empty hearts can do that."

It was Dr. Norman Vincent Peale who said: "Nothing of great value in this life comes easily."

It was Laurence J. Peter who said: "Would the boy you were be proud of the man you are?"

It was Laurence J. Peter who said: "Speak when you are angry — and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret."

It was Laurence J. Peter who said: "Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder."

It was Laurence J. Peter who said: "An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today."

It was Laurence J. Peter who said: "Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away."

It was Laurence J. Peter who said: "Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

It was Laurence J. Peter who said: "Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.

It was either Laurence J. Peter or Billy Sunday who first said: "Going to church doesn't make you any more a Christian than going to the garage makes you a car."

It was Laurence J. Peter who said: "Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.

It was Laurence J. Peter who said: "America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation.

It was Laurence J. Peter who said: "The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.

It was Laurence J. Peter who said: "History repeats itself because nobody listens."

Though often credited to Ted Turner, it was Laurence J. Peter who first said: "Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and advertise."

It was Richard Petty who said: "You're out there to win, not to bring your car home in one piece."

It was Pablo Picasso who said: "All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once they grow up."

It was Albert Pines who said: "What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal."

It was Plato who said: "I would teach children music, physics and philosophy; but most importantly music, for the patterns in music and all the arts are the keys to learning."

It was Plato who said: "Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something."

It was Plato who said: "Music gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination and life to everything."

It was Plato who said: "The penalty that good men pay for not being interested in politics is to be governed by men worse than themselves."

It was Plato who said: "You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation."

It was Plato who said: "Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable."

It was Plato who said: "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark. The real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light."

It was golfing legend Gary Player who said: "The harder you work, the luckier you get."

It was Edgar Allan Poe who said: "I have great faith in fools — self confidence my friends call it."

It was Linda Poindexter who said: "When my father didn't have my hand... he had my back."

It was Linda Poindexter who said: "The fastest way to find out if someone is really your friend, is to tell them that you're broke."

It was Linda Poindexter who said: "Refuse to ruin a perfectly good today by thinking about a bad yesterday."

It was Linda Poindexter who said: "Sometimes falling flat on your face allows you to see things from a totally different perspective."

It was Linda Poindexter who said: "Go only where you are wanted. Go only when you are needed. Stay only if you are appreciated."

It was Linda Poindexter who said: "You are not a rug... everyone may try to walk all over you, but you do not have to lie there and take it!"

It was Linda Poindexter who said: "Don't be offended when people don't seem to get you. Not everyone recognizes brilliance."

It was Linda Poindexter who said: "Not all relationships are meant to last, they’re just practice for the one that does."

It was Alexander Pope who said: "Fools run in where angels fear to tread."

It was Colin Powell who said: "There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, learning from failure."

It was Lawrence Clark Powell (after whom UCLA's Powell Library is named) who said: "Write to be understood, speak to be heard, read to grow."

It was Elvis Presley who said: "I never met anybody who learned by talking."

It was Ivy Baker Priest who said: "I'm often wrong but never in doubt."

It was Annie Proulx who said: "You know, one of the tragedies of real life is that there is no background music."

It was Marcel Proust who said: "True discovery consists not in finding new landscapes, but in seeing the same landscape with new eyes."

It was Mario Puzo who said: "The strength of a family, like the strength of an army, is in it's loyalty to each other."

It was Robert Quillen who said: "Discussion is an exchange of knowledge; argument is an exchange of ignorance."

It was Mitch Ratcliffe who said: "Computers have enabled people to make more mistakes faster than almost any invention in history, with the possible exception of tequila and hand guns."

It was the famed Sam Rayburn who said: "No one has a finer command of language than a person who keeps his mouth shut."

It was Ronald Reagan who said: "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same."

It was Ronald Reagan who said: "Trust, but verify."

It was violinist Ruggiero Ricci who said: "A specialist is someone who does everything else worse."

It was Keith Richards who said: "What goes down goes down, and it's how to deal with it that counts."

It was Keith Richards who said: "If you gotta think about being cool, you ain't cool."

It was Keith Richards who said: "Some of it, you really want to unlearn."

It was Keith Richards who said: "Hey, it's good to be here. It's good to be anywhere."

It was Keith Richards who said: "It's a privilege just to wake up to a new day."

It was Keith Richards who said: "No one wants to grow old, but none want to die young. You just have to follow the path."

It was Keith Richards who said: "We age not by holding on to youth, but by letting ourselves grow and embracing whatever youthful parts remain."

It was Keith Richards who said: "We're still learning and we never stop. You never know it all."

It was Keith Richards who said: "I don't wave a flag for anything. I'm a musician."

It was Keith Richards who said: "Nothing is static in this life — and thank God."

It was Keith Richards who said: "I've nothing against daylight. I don't live totally nocturnally, only when I feel like it. Which is most of the time."

It was Keith Richards who said: "I really don't care what they write about us, so long as they write about us."

It was Keith Richards who said: "Sometimes I think songwriting is about tightening the heartstrings as much as possible without bringing on a heart attack."

It was Keith Richards who said: "I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't for Buddy Holly. I know a couple of guys from Liverpool that would say the same thing."

It was Keith Richards who said: "What is it that makes you want to write songs? In a way, you want to stretch yourself into other people's hearts. You want to plant yourself there, or at least get a resonance, where other people become a bigger instrument than the one you're playing. It becomes almost an obsession to tough other people. To write a song that is remembered and taken to heart is a connection, a touching of bases. A thread that runs through all of us. A stab to the heart. Sometimes I think songwriting is about tightening the heartstrings as much as possible without bringing on a heart attack."

It was Susan Richman who said: "The trouble with dawn is that it comes too early in the day."

It was Eddie Rickenbacher who said: "Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared."

It was Anthony Robbins who said: "Most people fail in life because they major in minor things."

It was Jackie Robinson who said: "A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives."

It was Hadden W. Robinson who said: "What worries you, masters you."

It was Maria Robinson who said: "Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending."

It was Will Rogers who said: "Don't let yesterday use up too much of today."

It was Will Rogers who said: "Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in."

It was Will Rogers who said: "Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else."

It was Will Rogers who said: "If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging."

It was Will Rogers who said: "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."

It was Will Rogers who said: "Don't squat with your spurs on."

It was Will Rogers who said: "It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep."

It was Will Rogers who said: "There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works."

It was Will Rogers who said: "Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment."

It was Will Rogers who said: "Never miss a good chance to shut up."

It was Will Rogers who said: "If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there."

It was William P. Rogers who said: "[In a meeting] Say as little as possible while appearing to be awake." True that!

It was Jim Rohn who said: "Indecision is the thief of opportunity."

It was Jim Rohn who said: "Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment."

It was Bob Roll who said: "Slow boiled rage is the most lethal."

It was Henry Rollins who said: "Strength is the product of struggle, you must do what others don't to achieve what others won't."

It was Ray Romano who said: "The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology."

It was Andy Rooney who said: "The 50-50-90 rule: anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."

It was Eleanor Roosevelt who said: "Do what you feel in your heart to be right — for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't."

It was Eleanor Roosevelt who said: "A woman is like a tea bag — you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water."

It was Eleanor Roosevelt who said: "Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart."

It was Eleanor Roosevelt who said: "Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself."

It was Eleanor Roosevelt who said: "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."

It was Eleanor Roosevelt who said: "I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'"

It was Franklin D. Roosevelt who said: "Be sincere, be brief, be seated."

It was Theodore Roosevelt who said: "If you could kick the person responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month."

It was Rosemarie Rossett who said: "Adversity precedes growth."

It was David Lee Roth who said: "If all the world's a stage I want better lighting."

It was David Lee Roth who said: "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how good you looked doing it."

It was Dennis Roth who said: "If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought."

It was Ed 'Big Daddy' Roth who said: "Cars always look good in primer because they still have potential."

Though similar sayings have been around since the 17th Century, it was J.K. Rowling who said (in "Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire"): "If you want to see the true measure of a man, watch how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."

It was Friedrich Ruckert who said: "There is no issue is so small that it can't be blown out of proportion."

It was Rita Rudner who said: "When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea that his first name was Always."

It was Rita Rudner who said: "Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

It was poet Bertrand Russell who said: "The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt."

It was David Russell who said: "The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.

It was Babe Ruth who said: "Never let the fear of striking out get in your way."

It was Soupy Sales who said: "Be true to your teeth and they won't be false to you."

It was Carl Sandburg who said: "Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you."

It was William Saroyan who said: "Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure."

It was Jean-Paul Sartre who said: "Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do."

It was Charles M. Schulz who said: "I love mankind, it's the people I can't stand."

It was Charles M. Schulz who said: "All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."

It was Joel Schumacher who said: "There are no Help Wanted signs in Hollywood. And the guards of the gate are not there to keep you in."

It was Vin Scully who said: "Losing feels worse than winning feels good."

It was Vin Scully who said: "Statistics are used much like a drunk uses a lamp post: for support, not illumination."

It was Vin Scully who said: "Good is not good when better is expected."

It was Vin Scully who said: "As long as you live, keep smiling because it brightens everybody's day."

It was Vin Scully who said: "It's a mere moment in a man's life between the All-Star Game and an old timers game."

It was Pete Seeger who said: "Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't."

It was Jerry Seinfeld who said: "Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason."

It was Henry Segerstrom who said: "We are part of all that we have met."

It was Ayrton Senna who said: "We don't need myths. We need examples of courage, determination, hope. We need to believe it is possible to win. And it is our duty to pursue it."

It was Ayrton Senna who said: "The harder I push, the more I find within myself."

It was Dr. Seuss/Theodor Seuss Geisel who said: "How did it get so late so soon?""

It was Dr. Seuss/Theodor Seuss Geisel who said: "I'm glad we had the times together just to laugh and sing a song, seems like we just got started and then before you know it, the times we had together were gone."

It was Dr. Seuss/Theodor Seuss Geisel who said: "You can get help from teachers, but you are going to have to learn a lot by yourself, sitting alone in a room."

It was Dr. Seuss/Theodor Seuss Geisel who said: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

It was Dr. Seuss/Theodor Seuss Geisel who said: "I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living."

It was Dr. Seuss/Theodor Seuss Geisel who said: "Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."

It was Dr. Seuss/Theodor Seuss Geisel who said: "Adults are obsolete children and the hell with them."

It was Dr. Seuss/Theodor Seuss Geisel who said: "Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."

It was Dr. Seuss/Theodor Seuss Geisel who said: "The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go."

It was Dr. Seuss/Theodor Seuss Geisel who said: "Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!"

It was Dr. Seuss/Theodor Seuss Geisel who said: "From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere!"

It was Dr. Seuss/Theodor Seuss Geisel who said: "If things start happening, don't worry, don't stew, just go right along and you'll start happening too."

It was Dr. Seuss/Theodor Seuss Geisel who said: "Why fit in when you were born to stand out?"

It was Garry Shandling who said: "They should put expiration dates on clothes so we would know when they go out of style."

It was William Shakespeare who said: "A fool thinks himself to be wise, but a wise man knows himself to be a fool."

It was William Shakespeare who said: "Listen to many, speak to a few."

It was William Shakespeare who said: "When a father gives to his son, both laugh; when a son gives to his father, both cry."

It was William Shakespeare who said: "I wasted time, and now doth time waste me."

It was William Shakespeare who said: "Love all, trust few, do wrong to none."

It was William Shakespeare who said: "Everyone can master grief but he who has it."

It was William Shakespeare who said [in "As You Like It"]:
"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts..."

It was Tom Sharp who said: "I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair."

It was George Bernard Shaw who said: "A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."

It was George Bernard Shaw who said: "Youth is wasted upon the young."

It was George Bernard Shaw who said: "Power does not corrupt men; fools, however, if they get into a position of power, corrupt power."

It was George Bernard Shaw who said: "The problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished."

It was George Bernard Shaw who said: "The things most people want to know about are usually none of their business."

It was George Bernard Shaw who said: "The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech."

It was George Bernard Shaw who said: "Success covers a multitude of blunders."

It was Finnish composer Jean Sibelius who said: "Pay no attention to what the critics say; no statue has ever been put up to a critic."

It was Philip J. Simborg who said: "Alimony is always having to say you're sorry."

It was Red Skelton who said: "All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner."

It was Will Smith who said: "Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like."

It was Cherie Sogsti who said: "Anything worth doing isn't done for a reason."

It was Susan Sontag who said: "Silence remains, inescapably, a form of speech."

It was Sophocles who said: "The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves."

It was Sophocles who said: "What people believe prevails over the truth."

It was Gertrude Stein who said: "Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop."

It was Adlai Stevenson who said: "You can tell the size of a man by the size of the things that make him mad."

It was Adlai Stevenson who said: "My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular."

It was Adlai Stevenson who said: "He who slings mud generally loses ground."

It was Robert Lewis Stevenson who said: "Wine is bottled poetry."

It was Doug Stokes who said: "I wish like hell that I could do that again tomorrow."

It was Leopold Stokowski who said: "A painter paints pictures on canvas. But musicians paint their pictures on silence."

It was Tom Stoppard who said: "Age is a high price to pay for maturity."

It was Rex Stout who said: "There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up."

It was Charles Swindoll who said: "The longer I live the more convinced I become that life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we respond to it."

It was Charles R. Swindoll who said: "The difference between something good and something great is attention to detail."

It was Elizabeth Taylor who said: "It is strange that the years teach us patience; that the shorter our time, the greater our capacity for waiting."

It was James Taylor who said: "Gratitude is the best attitude, to realize how very fortunate we are. This beautiful country, our precious freedom, secured for us by the sacrifice of so many... Give thanks!... Pass it on!"

It was NFL Hall Of Fame Quarterback Joe Theisman who said: "The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

It was St. Theresa of Avila who said: "I do not fear Satan half so much as I fear the fears of those who fear him."

It was Hunter S. Thompson who said: "The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."

It was Dylan Thomas who said: "Do not go gentle into that good night... rage, rage against the dying of the light."

It was Hunter S. Thompson who said: "Buy the ticket, take the ride."

It was Hunter S. Thompson who said: "In a nation ruled by swine, all pigs are upward-mobile."

It was Henry David Thoreau who said: "It's not enough to be busy, so are the ants. The question is, what are we busy about?"

It was Hunter S. Thompson who said: "Every now and then you run up on one of those days when everything's in vain."

It was Henry David Thoreau who said: "Beware of all enterprises that require a new set of clothes."

It was Henry David Thoreau who said: "Aim above morality. Be not simply good, be good for something."

It was Henry David Thoreau who said: "After the first blush of sin comes its indifference."

It was James Thurber who said: "There are two kinds of light: the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures."

It was George F. Tilton, not Mike Ditka, who said: "Success isn't perm,anent, and failure isn't fatal."

It was Lily Tomlin who said: "The road to success is always under construction."

It was Harry S. Truman who said: "Intense feeling too often obscures the truth."

It was Harry S. Truman who said: "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen."

It was Harry S. Truman who said: "It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit."

It was Harry Truman who said: "It's a recession when your neighbor losses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours."

It was Glenn Turner who said: "Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere."

It was Though often credited to Ted Turner, it was Laurence J. Peter who first said: "Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell and advertise."

It was Mark Twain who said: "Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other."

It was Mark Twain who said: "The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become."

It was Mark Twain who said: "What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin."

It was Mark Twain who said: "What would men be without women? Scarce, sir... mighty scarce."

It was Mark Twain who said: "Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."

It was Mark Twain who said: "The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug."

It was Mark Twain who said: "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

It was Mark Twain who said: "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."

It was Mark Twain who said: "I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened."

It was Mark Twain who said: "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

It was Mark Twain who said: "Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary."

Though Ben Wade's use is the oldest for this quip, Mark Twain is always credited for saying, "Go to heaven for the climate, go to hell for the company."

It was Mark Twain who said: "Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been."

It was Mark Twain who said: "It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so."

It was Mark Twain who said: "Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please."

It was Mark Twain who said: "Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of 80 and gradually approach 18."

It was Mark Twain who said: "Often it seems a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat."

It was Mark Twain who said: "The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it."

It was Mark Twain who said: "I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened."

It was Mark Twain who said: "Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer."

It was Mark Twain who said: "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society."

It was Mark Twain who said: "The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."

It was Mark Twain who said: "Loyalty to country ALWAYS. Loyalty to government, when it deserves it."

It was Mark Twain who said: "All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure."

It was Mark Twain who said: "I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know."

It was Mark Twain who said: "Truth is stranger than Fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't."

It was Mark Twain who said: "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much he had learned."

It was Mark Twain who said: "Few things are harder to put up with than a good example."

It was Mark Twain who said: "Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it."

It was Mark Twain who said: "A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes."

It was Mark Twain who said: "God created war so that Americans would learn geography."

It was Mark Twain who said: "You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."

It was Mark Twain who said: "The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog."

It was Mark Twain who said: "Total abstinence is so excellent a thing that it cannot be carried to too great an extent. In my passion for it I even carry it so far as to totally abstain from total abstinence itself."

It was Mark Twain who said: "A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."

It was Neil deGrasse Tyson who said: "Dreams about the future are always filled with gadgets."

It was Neil deGrasse Tyson who said: "The good thing about science is that's it's true whether or not you believe in it."

It was Neil deGrasse Tyson who said: "Science is basically an inoculation against charlatans."

It was Lao Tzu who said: "Nature doesn't make long speeches."

It was Al Unser who said: "Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows."

It was Coach Jim Valvano who said: "My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me."

It was Martin Van Buren who said: "It is easier to do a job right than to explain why you didn't."

It was Eddie Vedder who said: "We have to stay young. Music allows you to do that, especially Rock & Roll."

It was Eddie Vedder who said: "The best revenge is to live on and prove yourself."

It was Eddie Vedder who said: "Life moves fast. As much as you can learn from your history, you have to move forward."

It was Louis Vermeil who said: "The prime purpose of eloquence is to keep other people from speaking."

It was Gore Vidal who said: "A good deed never goes unpunished."

It was Gore Vidal who said: "The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so."

It was Gore Vidal who said: "A narcissist is someone better looking than you are."

It was Gore Vidal who said: "Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn."

It was Judith Viorst who said: "Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands — and then eat just one of the pieces."

It was Voltaire who said: "Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do."

It was Voltaire who said: "Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her: but once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game."

It was Voltaire who said: "The best way to be boring is to leaving nothing out."

It was Johann Friedrich Von Schiller who said: "It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons."

It was Kurt Vonnegut who said: "The telling of jokes is an art of its own, and it always rises from some emotional threat. The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful."

It was Kurt Vonnegut who said: "Unusual travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God."

It was Kurt Vonnegut who said: "How embarrassing to be human."

It was Cale Yarborough who said: "Don't ever wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it."

It was AC/DC's Angus Young who said: "I've only got one solo, but it's a doozy!"

It was Charles Wadsworth who said: "By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong."

It was Tom Waits who said: "Champagne for my real friends and real pain for my sham friends."

It was Tom Waits who said: "The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away."

It was Fats Waller who said: "If you don't know what it is, don't mess with it."

It was William Arthur Ward who said: "It is wise to direct your anger towards problems, not people; to focus your energies on answers, not excuses."

It was William Arthur Ward who said: "The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails."

It was John Watson (not Plato) who said: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

It was John Wayne who said: "Life is hard, but it's harder if you're stupid."

It was A.H. Weiler who said: "Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself."

It was Geri Weitzman who said: "Sometimes you gotta create what you want to be part of."

It was Orson Welles who said: "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."

It was Mae West who said: "It takes two to get one in trouble."

It was Mae West who said: "Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you."

It was Mae West who said: "When women go wrong, men go right after them."

It was Mae West who said: "I used to be Snow White, but I drifted."

It was Mae West who said: "There are no good girls gone wrong, just bad girls found out."

It was Mae West who said: "When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."

It was Mae West who said: "Too much of a good thing can be wonderful."

It was Mae West who said: "It's not the men in my life that counts — it's the life in my men."

It was Mae West who said: "A man in the house is worth two in the street."

It was Mae West who said: "She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong."

It was E.B. White who said: "Be obscure clearly."

It was Katharine Whitehorn who said: "I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool."

It was Katharine Whitehorn who said: "The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any."

It was Katharine Whitehorn who said: "Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in."

It was Katharine Whitehorn who said: "The great rule is not to talk about money with people who have much more or much less than you."

It was Katharine Whitehorn who said: "From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it."

It was Walt Whitman who said: "All truths wait in all things."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "No good deed goes unpunished."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: ""Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "Simple pleasures are always the last refuge of the complex."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "I like men who have a future and women who have a past."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "Experience is the one thing you can't get for nothing."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "We live in an age when unnecessary things are our only necessities."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "Gluttony is not a secret vice."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "Don't give a woman advice: one should never give a woman anything she can't wear at night."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "Work is the curse of the drinking classes."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "Life is too important to be taken seriously."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "I can resist everything except temptation."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "Be yourself; everyone else is taken."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "There are many things we would throw away if we were not afraid others might pick them up."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "What is said of a man is nothing. The point is, who says it."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "Experience is the name everyone gives their mistakes."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "I am not young enough to know everything."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "One should either be a work of art, or wear a work of art."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "I have the simplest of tastes. I am always satisfied with the best."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "A pessimist is one who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life. And the body is born young and grows old. That is life's tragedy."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "Wickedness is a myth invented by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "In matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "She lacks the indefinable charm of weakness."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "The old believe everything; the middle-aged suspect everything; the young know everything."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "Selfishness is not living as one wants to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "To be natural is such a very difficult pose to keep up."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "A true friend stabs you in the front."

It was Billy Wilder who said: "You have to have a dream so you can get up in the morning."

It was Robin Williams who said: "No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world."

It was Robin Williams who said: "You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

It was Robin Williams who said: "What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong."

It was Robin Williams who said: "You know what music is? God's little reminder that there's something else besides us in this universe; harmonic connection between all living beings, everywhere, even the stars."

It was Robin Williams who said: "Death is nature's way of saying, 'your table is ready'."

It was Robin Williams who said: "Most of all, I want to thank my father, up there, the man who when I said I wanted to be an actor, he said, ‘Wonderful. Just have a back-up profession, like welding.'"

It was Robin Williams who said: "If women ruled the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days."

It was Robin Williams who said: "I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel alone."

It was Robin Williams who said: "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

It was Robin Williams who said: "Yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet."

It was Harold Wilson who said: "The only human institution which rejects progress is the cemetery."

It was Bill Withers who said: "It is healthier to look out at the world through a window that through a mirror."

It was P.G. Wodehouse who said: "The trouble with cats is that they've got no tact."

It was Natalie Wood who said: "The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "You are your word. Don't give your word unless you intend to keep it. A leader whose promise means everything is trusted."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "Favor firm suggestions over strict rules."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "Never mistake activity for achievement."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "Success comes from knowing that you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "It's not so important who starts the game but who finishes it."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "Winning takes talent, to repeat takes character."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "Consider the rights of others before your own feelings, and the feelings of others before your own rights."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "The star of every successful team is the team. Individuals don't win games, teams do."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "Ability is a poor man's wealth."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "The purpose of criticism is to correct, improve and change. It is not to humiliate, demean, or punish."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "It's what you learn after you know it all that counts."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "Never mistake activity for achievement."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "Practice doesn't make perfect; perfect practice does."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "Don't measure yourself by what you have accomplished, but by what you should have accomplished with your ability."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "It isn't what you do, but how you do it."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "The main ingredient of stardom is the rest of the team."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?"

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "A coach is someone who can give correction without causing resentment."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "Ability gets you to the top; character keeps you there."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "Favor firm suggestions over strict rules."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "Great leaders give credit to others, but accept the blame themselves."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be."

It was Coach John Wooden who said: "Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful."

It was Steven Wright who asked: "If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?"

It was Steven Wright who said: "Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

It was Steven Wright who asked: "After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?"

It was Steven Wright who asked: "Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?"

It was Steven Wright who asked: "If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?"

It was Steven Wright who said: "There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

It was Steven Wright who said: "Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."

It was Steven Wright who said: "99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name."

It was Steven Wright who said: "24 hours in a day; 24 bottles in a case of beer. Coincidence? I think not."

It was Steven Wright who asked: "Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

It was Steven Wright who said: "You can't have everything... where would you put it?"

It was Steven Wright who said: "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

It was Steven Wright who said: "I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark."

It was Steven Wright who said: "Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."

It was Steven Wright who asked: "If you shoot at a mime, should you use a silencer?"

It was Steven Wright who said: "I played a blank cassette at full volume and drove the mime next door totally crazy."

It was Miriam M. Wynn who said: "If you're afraid to ask the question, it's probably because you already know the answer."

It was Malcolm X who said: "If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything."

It was AC/DC's Angus Young who said: "I've only got one solo, but it's a doozy!"

It was Henny Youngman who said: "I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places."

It was the immortal Frank Zappa who said: "There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life."

It was Frank Zappa who said: "Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid.""

It was Frank Zappa who said: "You are what you is."

It was Emiliano Zapata who said: "Its better to die on your feet than to live on your knees."

It was Zig Ziglar who said: "If we don't start, it's certain we can't arrive."

It was Zig Ziglar who said: "There is little you can learn from doing nothing."

It was Zig Ziglar who said: "It's not what happens to you that determines how far you will go in life; it's how you handle what happens to you."

It was Zig Ziglar who said: "Attitude is the little thing that makes a big difference."

It was Zig Ziglar who said: "You can disagree without being disagreeable."

It was Zig Ziglar who said: "To respond is positive, to react is negative."

It was Zig Ziglar who said: "Obstacles are the things we see when we take our eyes off our goals."

It was Zig Ziglar who said: "You don't drown by falling in water; you only drown if you stay there."

It was Zig Ziglar who said: "Yesterday ended last night."

It was Zig Ziglar who said: "What comes out of your mouth is determined by what goes into your mind."

It was Zig Ziglar who said: "Some people find fault like there is a reward for it."

It was Zig Ziglar who said: "It's not what you know, it's what you use that makes a difference."

It was Zig Ziglar who said: "The only taste of success some people have is when they take a bite out of you."

It was Zig Ziglar who said: "You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great."

It was Zig Ziglar who said: "Those who dare not, do not!"

It was Zig Ziglar who said: "If you aim at nothing, you will hit every time!"

It was Zig Ziglar who said: "People often say motivation doesn't last. Neither does bathing — that's why we recommend it daily."

It was Zig Ziglar who said: "Among the things you can give and still keep are your word, a smile, and a grateful heart."

It was Carl Zwanzig who said: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together."

Thought For The Weekend

No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

Thought For The Weekend

There are only two industries in the world that refer to customers as 'users'. One is the IT industry. The other is the illegal drugs industry.

Thought For The Weekend

Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes. One could only assume that this indicates a total lack of commercial radio.

Thought For The Weekend

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Thought For The Weekend

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

A Thought For The Weekend

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

A Thought For The Weekend

Isn't it interesting how proudly some enjoy their freedom of speech, but object to it for people who disagree with them.

A Thought For The Weekend

There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

A Thought For The Weekend

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

A Thought For The Weekend

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

A Thought For The Weekend

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.


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