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December 16 - 31, 2017


These are the scripts Joe Benson used on the air at 100.3 The Sound (KSWD) in Los Angeles. They all received final editing by Jan Benson, without whom the task would have been far too daunting. Remember to give credit where credit is due, and enjoy!


December 16, 2017


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Guitarist Tony Hicks of The Hollies is 72.
ABBA's Benny Andersson is 71.
Singer/guitarist Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top is 68.

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On this day in 1966, the Jimi Hendrix Experience released their first U.K. single, "Hey Joe."

On this day in 1972, Yes' "And You And I (Part II)" peaked at #42 as Paul McCartney's "Hi, Hi, Hi" entered the singles charts on its way to #10 and the Doobie Brothers' cover of "Jesus Is Just Alright" began its climb to #35.

On this day in 1984, ZZ Top bassist Dusty Hill was accidentally shot in the stomach when a gun he carried in his boot went off as his girlfriend helped him remove his footwear. He recovered after surgery.

On this day in 1989, Bon Jovi's "Living In Sin" peaked at #9 on the singles chart.


December 17, 2017


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Vocalist Paul Rodgers of Free and Bad Company is 68.
R.E.M. bassist Mike Mills (born in Orange, CA!) is 59.

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On this day in 1973, Fleetwood Mac's manager, Clifford Davis, took advantage of the group's first break from touring and recording by stealing their name and sending the fake Fleetwood Mac out on tour. When Mick Fleetwood found out what was happening, he sued Davis and assumed management of the band himself.

On this day in 1977, Fleetwood Mac's "You Make Loving Fun" peaked at #9 on the charts.

On this day in 1982, The Who performed one of their first farewell concerts at Toronto's Maple Leaf Gardens. Worried about never seeing one of the greatest rock bands in history again, many of us gullible fans purchased the concert on pay-per-view. Of course, 30 years later The Who still tour on a semi-regular basis.

On this day in 1983, The Pretenders released the song "Middle of the Road," which eventually topped out at #19 on the charts.

On this day in 1986, The Doobie Brothers reunited for the first time. Turns out that they got along so well during the benefit concert in Palo Alto, they've been rockin' down the highway ever since.

On this day in 1988, as U2's "Angel Of Harlem" entered the singles charts on its way to #14, Guns N' Roses' "Lies" compilation of an EP and various live tracks began a run to #2 and five million sold.


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On this day in 2016, my old friend/co-worker Bob Coburn lost his long battle with cancer. I first met B.C. at WMET in Chicago, and first worked with the legendary KMET DJ at 95.5 KLOS in Los Angeles in October 1980. Our careers took many similar turns as we worked at L.A.'s KLSX and Arrow 93.1. The master communicator — who had some of the best ears for music I've ever known — was only 68. Rest in peace, B.C..


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100.3 The Sound, R.I.P.

As forewarned for several months, 100.3 The Sound has finally been sold. And, as I wait for my next adventure to begin, I must thank you for your overwhelming response and encouragement! Until the good news breaks through, I'll keep working my way through the thousands of text, e-mail and Facebook messages you have sent... Rock On!


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December 18, 2017


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Chas Chandler, bassist for the Animals and Jimi Hendrix's original manager would have been 78.
Bassist Sam Andrew of Big Brother & the Holding Company would have been 74.
Defying the odds, the one and only Keith Richards of The Rolling Stones is 73.
Bobby Keys, the longtime sax player with The Rolling Stones who survived hanging with Keef for so many years, would have been 73.
Guitarist Elliot Easton of The Cars is 63.

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On this day in 1965, The Beatles' "We Can Work It Out" backed with "Day Tripper" entered the charts. In short order, "We Can Work It Out" hit #1 and "Day Tripper" reached #5.

On this day in 1971, 36-year-old rock icon/hell raiser Jerry Lee Lewis divorced his 27-year-old second cousin, Myra Gale Brown after 14 years of marriage. At least they were still family.

On this day in 1971, Led Zeppelin's "Led Zeppelin IV," one of the greatest rock albums ever, began a four-week run at #2. It eventually sold over 23 million copies in the States alone.

On this day in 1971, Elton John's "Levon" entered the singles charts on its way to #24. Superstardom was right around the corner.

On this day in 1975, to no one's surprise, Rod Stewart announced that he was leaving the Faces for a solo career.

On this day in 1976, Jackson Browne's album "The Pretender" hit #5 while selling over three million copies.

On this day in 1976, the title track of Steve Miller's signature "Fly Like An Eagle" album entered the singles charts on its way to #2 as the title track of Heart's debut album, "Dreamboat Annie," began a short run to #42.

On this day in 1976, the Eagles' soon-to-be #1 hit "New Kid in Town" entered the charts as their classic "Hotel California" album was released.

On this day in 1978, Led Zeppelin finished recording their last studio album, "In Through The Out Door."

On this day in 1982, "Coda," Led Zeppelin's final collection of unreleased songs, began its run up the charts to #6 with over a million sold.

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It was Winston Churchill who said: "I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals."

It was William Feather who said: "A budget tells what we can't afford, but it doesn't keep us from buying it."

It was Keith Richards who said: "I don't wave a flag for anything. I'm a musician."

It was Oscar Wilde who said: "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."


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December 19, 2017


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Alvin Lee, speed guitarist and vocalist for Ten Years After, would have been 73.

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On this day in 1955, Carl Perkins recorded his signature hit "Blue Suede Shoes" at Sun Studios in Memphis, Tennessee.

On this day in 1964, the Fab Four's "Beatles For Sale" album spent its first week at #1 on the U.K. charts, knocking The Beatles' "A Hard Day's Night" off the top spot, where it had spent the prior 21 weeks.

On this day in 1970, George Harrison's much-praised "All Things Must Pass" triple album entered the charts on its way to a seven-week run at #1. The six-million selling collection of songs is still considered by many to be his best solo work.

On this day in 1974, during his only solo North American tour, former Beatle George Harrison performed the first of two nights at Madison Square Garden.

On this day in 1975, guitarist Ron Wood officially joined The Rolling Stones.

On this day in 1979, The Cars' "Shake It Up" album hit #3 for the first of four weeks as it sold over four million copies.

On this day in 1981, Journey's classic "Don't Stop Believin'" peaked at #9 on the singles charts as Joan Jett's second album, the million selling "I Love Rock-N-Roll," began its run up the charts to two weeks at #2.

On this day in 1993, Michael Clarke, The Byrds' original drummer, died of liver failure at the age of 49.

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It was Oscar Wilde who said: "Work is the curse of the drinking classes."

It was Mae West who said: "You see this leg right here, it’s thanksgiving. You see this leg over here, it’s Christmas. Why don’t you come see me between the holidays sometime."

It was Rodney Dangerfield who said: "I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous — everyone hasn't met me yet."

It was Dr. Seuss/Theodor Seuss Geisel who said: "If things start happening, don't worry, don't stew, just go right along and you'll start happening too."


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December 20, 2017


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Original KISS drummer Peter Criss is 72.
Singer Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes is 51.


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On this day in 1957, Elvis Presley was drafted into the U.S. Army.

On this day in 1967, singer Ian Anderson and bassist Glen Cornick left the John Evan Band to join up with guitarist Mick Abraham and drummer Clive Bunker. Initially the group had to change their name at every gig because they played so poorly they weren't being asked back. Later, Anderson was at the home of their manager, Terry Ellis, when he spotted a book by the 18th century agriculturist/author Jethro Tull. The band has been using that name ever since.

On this day in 1969, The Guess Who's "No Time" entered the American charts on its way to #5 — their highest charting single to date.

On this day in 1973, singer/songwriter Bobby Darin died of heart failure while having his second open-heart surgery in two years. He was only 37.

On this day in 1975, on the same day that the Eagles' "Take It To The Limit" entered the singles charts on its way to #6, guitarist Joe Walsh replaced Bernie Leadon in the band. Bernie had tired of the road, and Walsh's songwriting, musicality and guitar technique were a boost to the band's sound... and his weird-ass sense of humor added a welcome new wrinkle to the Eagles' hip Southern California countenance.

On this day in 1980, Pat Benatar's song "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" peaked at #9 on the charts.

On this day in 1980, AC/DC's "Back In Black" album peaked at #4 as the Eagles' "Eagles Live" topped out at #6. "Back In Black" eventually sold over 22 million copies; "Eagles Live" over seven million.

Off The Record w/uncJoe Index logo 257x66px logo

This weekend OFF THE RECORD with Joe Benson will feature a special Holiday show with rockin' Christmas music and interviews with Bob Seger, Brian Setzer, Trans Siberian Orchestra, Stevie Nicks, Styx, Aerosmith's Joe Perry, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Glenn Frey of the Eagles, John Lennon and Kevin Cronin of REO Speedwagon. Check out this preview!


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It was Coach John Wooden who said: "The main ingredient of stardom is the rest of the team."

It was Jimmy Dean who said: "You gotta try your luck at least once a day, because you could be going around lucky all day and not even know it."

It was Phillip K. Dick who said: "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."

It was John Fogerty who said: "Well, I'm here to tell you now each and ev'ry mother's son, you better learn it fast, you better learn it young, 'cause someday never comes."


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December 21, 2016


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Frank Zappa would have been 76.
English blues guitarist Albert Lee (Eric Clapton's buddy) is 73.
Carl Wilson of the Beach Boys would have been 70.

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On this day in 1966, The Beatles recorded the clarinets used on "When I'm Sixty-Four."

On this day in 1967, The Rolling Stones released their psychedelic stinker "Their Satanic Majesties Request" in the U.S., where it reached #2 on the album charts right behind The Beatles' "Magical Mystery Tour."

On this day in 1968, The Bob Seger System's "Ramblin' Gamblin' Man" (featuring backing vocals from future Eagle, Glenn Frey) entered the singles charts on its way to #17 and the Bar Band Hall Of Fame Set List.

On this day in 1974, Bad Company was joined for a jam on stage by Jimmy Page and John Paul Jones of Led Zeppelin at London's Rainbow Theatre.

On this day in 1974, The Doobie Brothers' "Black Water" (originally released as a B-side in April 1974) reentered the singles charts on its way to #1 as both ELO's "Can't Get It Out Of My Head" and John Lennon's "#9 Dream" entered the charts on their way to #9.

On this day in 1978, Rod Stewart settled out of court with drummer Mickey Waller, who claimed he was not paid royalties for his work on 1974's "Smiler" album. Anybody know where Mickey is today?

On this day in 1985, as Heart's "Heart" album hit #1 while selling five million copies, Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band's rocking version of "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" was entering Holiday playlists around the world.

On this day in 1991, Guns 'N' Roses' surprising cover of Paul McCartney's "Live And Let Die" entered the singles charts on its way to #33.

On this day in 1992, legendary blues guitarist Albert King died from a heart attack in Memphis at the age of 69.


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It was the immortal Frank Zappa who said: "There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life."

It was Walt Disney who said: "I would rather entertain and hope that people learned something than educate people and hope they were entertained."

It was Louis Vermeil who said: "The prime purpose of eloquence is to keep other people from speaking."

It was Ronald Reagan who said: "Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same."


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December 22, 2017

08 Joe on vacation.

Time For A Holiday Break!


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Guitarist Rick Nielsen of Cheap Trick is 69.

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On this day in 1965, The Byrds recorded the song "Eight Miles High" (initially inspired by flying in an airliner at 50,000 feet elevation).

On this day in 1967, Pink Floyd played the "Christmas On Earth Revisited" event at London's Olympia Theater. Throughout the concert, singer Syd Barrett simply stared at the audience in a hallucinogenic daze. Quite the showman, that Syd.

On this day in 1973, "Hello It's Me" by Todd Rundgren peaked at #5 as Gregg Allman's "Midnight Rider" entered the charts.

On this day in 1973, Steve Miller's million selling "Joker" album hit #2 just as Paul McCartney's "Band On The Run" entered the charts on its way to four weeks at #1.

On this day in 1978, The Who announced that the Faces' Kenny Jones was the replacement for their late drummer Keith Moon.

On this day in 1979, Queen's "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," which singer Freddie Mercury wrote while bathing in a tub, launched its climb to a four-week run at #1.

On this day in 1979, Led Zeppelin's last charting single, "Fool In The Rain," began its run to #21 as Pat Benatar's first charting single, "Heartbreaker," began its climb to #23.

On this day in 1979, Paul McCartney held the first of three Concerts for Kampuchea at London's Hammersmith Odeon to benefit relief efforts in the war-torn country. Besides Macca, The Clash, Elvis Costello and The Who appeared on the bill.

On this day in 1984, John Fogerty's "Old Man Down The Road," on which he played every instrument, began its run up to #10 on the singles charts.

On this day in 2002, Joe Strummer, lead singer/guitarist/songwriter for the seminal British punk band The Clash, died of a heart attack in his home at the age of 50.

On this day in 2014, Joe Cocker lost his battle with lung cancer in his Colorado home at the age of 70. Most famous as an interpreter of other artists' songs, Cocker famously covered The Beatles "With A Little Help From My Friends," Leon Russell's "Delta Lady," Randy Newman's "You Can Leave Your Hat On," Dave Mason's "Feeling Alright" and many more, including Billy Preston's "You Are So Beautiful."

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Xmas Factoids

Over 16% of the people who decorate their yards and houses spend more than six hours each year putting up the decorations.

The first documentation of decorating a Christmas tree was in 1604 in Strasburg, Germany. Decorating Christmas trees became a tradition in the U.S in the mid-1800's and has evolved over the subsequent 150 year period into the industry we know today.

In 1851, Mark Carr hauled two sleds loaded with trees from the Catskills to the streets of New York City and opened the first retail tree lot in the U.S. Until fairly recently, all Christmas trees came from forests, not farms.

It takes up to 12 years to grow a Christmas tree of average retail height, which is between 6 and 7 feet.

Happy Holidays to all!!


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December 23, 2017


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Original Jefferson Airplane guitarist Jorma Kaukonen is 77.

Mott the Hoople guitarist Ariel Bender and Spooky Tooth guitarist Luther Grosvenor are 71, and never, have never seen together. Do you think that they're the same person?

Guitar whiz Adrian Belew, who worked with Frank Zappa, David Bowie and King Crimson, is 68.

Vocalist Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam is 52.

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On this day in 1957, Bobby Helms' "Jingle Bell Rock" entered the chart for the first time. Don't worry — I will NOT play his version of that song on this year's Uncle Joe's Rockin' Christmas Show!

On this day in 1967, Jimi Hendrix's classic "Foxey Lady" began a short run to #67 on the singles charts.

On this day in 1967, as The Beatles "Magical Mystery Tour" album began its climb to eight weeks at #1 with six million sold, The Rolling Stones' psychedelic "Their Satanic Majesties Request" album began its climb to six weeks at #6. Those were spacey days indeed!

On this day in 1969, Elton John and Bernie Taupin began writing songs together. One year later, their composition "Your Song" was an international hit. Since day one, John has always provided melodies to Taupin's lyrics.

On this day in 1972, Jethro Tull's "Living In The Past" eclectic compilation hit #3 for the first of three weeks.

On this day in 1978, Foreigner's "Blue Morning, Blue Day" started its climb to #15 on the singles charts.

On this day in 1978, just as Rod Stewart's "Blondes Have More Fun" album entered the charts on its way to three weeks at #1, he released the song "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy." That was the exact moment that his old band, The Faces, thanked the heavens that Roddy had left them behind.

On this day in 1978, The Doobie Brothers' career redefining "Minute By Minute" album began its journey up the charts to a five week run at #1 capped by three million in sales.

On this day in 1987, after two years of bitter recrimination and mudslinging, Pink Floyd legally finalized one of the most strongly contested breakups in Rock & Roll history. The agreement between guitarist/frontman David Gilmour, drummer Nick Mason and bassist/mastermindRoger Waters enabled the band to carry on without Waters — as long as they paid him royalties for his music and use of any images created during his tenure.

On this day in 1999, police arrested a stalker at George Harrison's Hawaiian home. The unemployed woman appeared to be living in the empty mansion, using the phone and washing machine and even ordering pizza.


December 24, 2017


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Guitar ace Doyle Bramhall II, who's played with Clapton and Dylan, is 49.


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On this day in 1968, Led Zeppelin left Britain to start their first American tour. Robert Plant later said, "It was Christmas, and Christmas away from home for the English is the end of the world."

On this day in 1977, Aerosmith' "Draw The Line" album, made under harrowing circumstances, entered the charts on its way to #11 and over two million sold. Still, it was a wonder that anyone in the band survived.

On this day in 1992, Doobie Brothers percussionist Bobby LaKind lost a long battle with cancer. He was only 47.


December 25, 2017


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Bassist Noel Redding of the Jimi Hendrix Experience would have been 72.
Parrot Head Jimmy Buffett hits 71.
Singer Annie Lennox of the Eurythmics is 63.

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On this day in 1959, young Richard Starkey received his first drum set for Christmas. The 18-year-old apprentice engineer seemed to have a knack for pounding the skins and a few years later become world famous as Ringo Starr, drummer for The Beatles.

On this day in 1964, jealous fans attending one of The Beatles' London Christmas shows attacked George Harrison's girlfriend Patti Boyd.

On this day in 1965, recorded under daunting time restraints, The Beatles' classic "Rubber Soul" album entered the charts on its way to six weeks at #1 with over six million sold. It still stands as one of the finest collections of inspired songs of their career.

On this day in 1965, George Harrison proposed to Patti Boyd as they drove to a Christmas dinner in London. No fans got close enough to attack this time.

On this day in 1965, The Rolling Stones's "As Tears Go By" (as originally covered by Mick Jagger's girlfriend, Marianne Faithful) entered the America charts on its way to #6. Marianne's version had peaked at #22 a year earlier.

On this day in 1967, Paul McCartney, ever the romantic, became engaged to actress Jane Asher. Alas, they never married.

On this day in 1971, Led Zeppelin's "Black Dog" entered the singles charts on its way to #15. The actual words "Black Dog" do not appear in this song; it was named after a "black dog" that wandered in and out of the Headley Grange recording sessions.

On this day in 1976, the song "Carry On Wayward Son" by Kansas entered the singles charts on it's way to #11.

On this day in 1976, as the Eagles' "Hotel California" — one of the finest albums ever recorded — entered the charts on its way to eight weeks at #1 and 16 million copies sold, Paul McCartney's live "Wings Over America" began it's climb to #11.

On this day in 1993, Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers "Mary Jane's Last Dance" began its climb to #14.

On this day in 2006, James Brown — "The Godfather of Soul," "The Hardest Working Man in Show Business," "Soul Brother Number One" and "Mr. Dynamite" (and often introduced as all of the above) — died in Atlanta of congestive heart failure at the age of 73.


December 26, 2016


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Uber producer/convicted murderer Phil Spector is 77.
Drummer Lars Ulrich of Metallica is 53.

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On this day in 1963, due to overwhelming popular demand, Capitol Records rush released The Beatles' U.S. breakthrough single "I Want to Hold Your Hand." Within three days of its release, 250,000 had been sold. Two weeks later, it had sold over one million copies.

On this day in 1964, The Beatles "I Feel Fine" topped the charts, while their song "She's a Woman" hit #4. In 12 months, they had scored a staggering 30 charting hit singles. Meanwhile, The Rolling Stones — who had still not achieved any significant action on the charts — took out a full-page ad in the U.K. music press wishing starving hairdressers a Happy Christmas.

On this day in 1964, The Kinks "All The Day And All Of The Night" began its run up the singles charts to #9 and their second entry into the Bar Band Hall Of Fame Setlist.

On this day in 1967, The Beatles premiered their psychedelic movie "Magical Mystery Tour" on British TV, and absolutely no one could figure it out.

On this day in 1968, Led Zeppelin began their first U.S. tour in Denver (but all except bassist John Paul Jones had picked up nasty colds during their three-day-stay in Los Angeles — too much bare-ass running around!).

On this day in 1970, George Harrison's "My Sweet Lord" peaked at #1 on the charts. It is still considered by many to be his best solo work.

On this day in 1970, Van Morrison's highly influential "His Band And The Street Choir" album began its climb to #32 on the charts. It is still considered by many to be one of his finest.

On this day in 1981, although no one knew what the lyrics were about (including singer Phil Collins), Genesis' "ABACAB" began its run to #26 on the singles charts. In fact, the title came from the way the song was assembled: A section, B section, A section, C section, A section, B section.


December 27, 2016


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Scotty Moore, ace guitarist for Elvis Presley on the early recordings that helped define Rock & Roll, would have been 85.
Keyboardist Michael Pinder of The Moody Blues is 75.
Pete Quaife, the original bassist with The Kinks, would have been 73.
Foreigner's head guy, Mick Jones, is 72.
Guitarist David Knopfler, fired from Dire Straits by his brother Mark in 1983, is 64 and still a bit bitter. But is he working?

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On this day in 1969, The Beatles' "Abbey Road" had its 11-week run at #1 on the American album charts briefly interrupted by "Led Zeppelin II" as The Rolling Stones' classic "Let It Bleed" hung in there at #3. Now that was some significant music!

On this day in 1975, Queen's incredible "A Night At The Opera" album entered the charts on its way to a peak at #4 and three million sold. The songwriting, performances and production are even more astounding today than it was back then.

On this day in 1976, Queen released the follow-up to their highly acclaimed "A Night At The Opera" album, "A Day At The Races." Both album titles were taken from Marx Brothers movies.

On this day in 1976, acclaimed blues guitarist Freddie King died in Dallas, Texas of a heart attack. He was only 42.

On this day in 1980, John Lennon's "(Just Like) Starting Over," and the album it came from, "Double Fantasy," both hit #1 as Bruce Springsteen's "Hungry Heart" peaked at #5 on the singles charts. Also, Fleetwood Mac's contractually obligated "Live" album began its chart run to #14.


December 28, 2016


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Multi-instrumentalist Edgar Winter is 70.


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On this day in 1968, as The Doors "Touch Me" began its climb to #3 on the singles charts, The Beatles' "White Album" hit #1 for the first of nine weeks. In due time, the "White Album" sold over 19 million copies.

On this day in 1974, Jethro Tull's "Warchild" album began a three week run at #2 in the States as George Harrison's "Dark Horse" LP began its chart climb to #4.

On this day in 1979, The Who and the Pretenders headlined the third of Paul McCartney's Concerts For Kampuchea.

On this day in 1983, Beach Boy Dennis Wilson drowned at the age of 39 after he dove into the Pacific Ocean at Marina Del Rey.

On this day in 1985, "Small Town" by John "Cougar" Mellencamp peaked at #6 on the singles charts, truly changing the course of his career on every level.

On this day in 2015, four days after celebrating his 70th birthday on Christmas Eve, Motörhead frontman Ian Fraser "Lemmy" Kilmister died from "an extremely aggressive cancer." The singing bassist (and legendary consumer of booze and amphetamines) left his mark on every hard rockin' band in the world.


December 29, 2016


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Bassist Ray Thomas of The Moody Blues is 75.
Drummer Cozy Powell — who worked with Black Sabbath, Richie Blackmore and Jeff Beck — would have been 69.
Guitarist Neil Giraldo, Pat Benatar's guitar wizard/better half, is 61.

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On this day in 1966, the Jimi Hendrix Experience made their first-ever TV appearance on the BBC's "Top Of The Pops," performing their new single "Hey Joe."

On this day in 1967, singer/guitarist Dave Mason left the recently formed Traffic, citing musical differences with group leader Steve Winwood. Within the year, Dave rejoined the band... then soon left once again. Hard to believe that upon Traffic's induction into the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame 36 years later, Mason complained about not being included in their performance.

On this day in 1973, John Lennon's "Mind Games" peaked at #18 as Led Zeppelin's "D'yer Mak'er" topped out at #20 on the singles charts.

On this day in 1975, Grace Slick divorced her Jefferson Airplane cohort Paul Kantner.

Off The Record w/uncJoe Index logo 257x66px logo

This weekend OFF THE RECORD with Joe Benson will feature the Best Of 2017 OFF THE RECORD with music and interviews with Tom Petty, Gregg Allman, Neal Schon of Journey, Dave Davies of The Kinks, Tommy Shaw, Lawrence Gowan and James 'JY' Young of Styx and band leader of David Letterman's band leader, Paul Shaffer! Check out this preview!

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New Year/New Warnings

Now they're telling us that due to increasing product liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following 10 warning labels be placed on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.



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